That’s right, psychic powers! My computer can read my mind, see into my future, and also has a pretty good idea of the state of my kitchen. It’s like a crystal ball that actually works.

And it’s awesome.

It’s awesome partly because I don’t have any sensors, or any half-baked Internet of Things devices, and no cloud-based services. I’m simply not comfortable with someone I don’t trust looking over my shoulder.

Google Now can feel prescient but it’s reading emails, monitoring search and browsing habits, and tracking location. However useful Google Now’s predictions are, I can’t shake the notion that someone else is getting an even better prediction for the sake of manipulating my behavior.

My computer does a much better job than Google Now of being psychic and manipulating my behavior, but it doesn’t need to read my emails, monitor my online activity, or depend on cloud-based machine learning algorithms. It operates in private, just me and it as a dynamic duo. I trust that it has my interests at heart because it knows nothing else.

How It Works

My psychic computer works very simply:

I tell my computer when I do something and then it shows me when I’ll probably do it again.

I wrote some software to take care of the telling and showing parts. If you ask me, I did a bang-up job of it.

The state of my kitchen

Each time I wash the dishes, I tell my computer. After a few inputs, it has a good idea of how often I do that. That means it also has a good idea of when I’ll next wash the dishes.

If I slack off and leave them sit a few days, my computer knows. And it tries very hard to tell me: “Your kitchen is a mess, do the damn dishes!” And it’s right. It’s always fucking right. It knows both when and why my kitchen is a mess. I think it’s best that my computer cannot speak.

All I have to do is tell my computer when I do things. It doesn’t care what I’m doing, or why. I tell it lots of things so it knows quite a bit about the state of my home. And my diet. And my fitness. And my relationships.

Reading my mind

Anything I do on a regular basis but haven’t done lately is probably on my mind. If I’ve let the dishes sit for a few days, it’s definitely on my mind. When dirty laundry is piling up, or clean laundry is strewn about, or the floor is gritty, it’s all on my mind. Because my computer knows when I do these things, it also knows a little about what I’m thinking.

It’s a little freaky that my computer literally shows me the current thoughts in my head. If I was more neurotic, all this stuff on my mind would bother the hell of me. But it doesn’t, and that bothered the hell out of my ex.

Seeing into my future

What will I do next? Well, probably something that’s on my mind. More probable yet, something that’s both on my mind and related to what I’m doing right now. Because I’ve designed my software to be contextually aware, I can tell it what I’m doing right now as easily as I tell it what I’ve done in the past.

And so my psychic computer has a good idea of what I’ll either do next or what I will say yes to if cued, asked, or suggested. Thankfully my digitized intentions are private or else advertisers would sacrifice their mother to get their hands on it. I value mothers too much to let that happen.

Psychic? So what?

So everything! It’s a personal and private psychic computer after all. Do you have yours yet? People with psychic computers have a competitive advantage. If you had one, you’d know all about that.

Google has tends of thousands of psychic computers, and look how dominant they are. They make so much money. Facebook also has thousands of psychic computers. Did you think their AI is playing video games all day? Nope, they’re predicting your future. They know damn well that it’s a wonderfully effective way to influence your behavior toward their favor.

But your own psychic computer? That’s a different story. Your own psychic computer gets you to do more of what’s good for you. That’s what mine does. No big deal though, I’m sure you’ll be fine without one.

But what about telepathy?

Yes, yes, telepathy too, but that’s my little secret. There’s simply no way you’ll figure it out from what I’ve shared. I mean, once your precious behavioral information is digitized, there’s no way it could get from you to your friend or a business of your choice without you even having to ask.

Anyway, it’s totally a secret and you’ll never figure it out, not even if you read my other articles or check out the project page or follow me on Twitter hoping that I’ll accidentally spill the beans somewhere other than my kitchen.